I’m sure everyone knows this already, but my husband and I maintain a twitter account for our kids who are the most hilarious people I have ever met. I was never very good at keeping a baby book for any of them, so I love being able to go back over the year and read all the funny things they say. Here are my faves from 2011.
Overheard on tv after a football game- “Stats are for losers!” Jonah: “Stamp the palooza?! What does that mean? He’s a terrible coach.”
Oh, that makes me want to cry. – Jeremiah, watching Bear Grylls drink his own pee to survive in the desert.
Jeremiah: “Dad, can I go play outside?” Me: “No buddy. It’s too cold and rainy.” Jeremiah: “Oh… The TV whooped my brain and I forgot.”
Jonah, on Hell’s Kitchen: “Why did they call it ‘Bad Word Kitchen’? Why didn’t they call it ‘Dungeon Kitchen’”?
Jeremiah, on Hell’s Kitchen & Gordon Ramsay: “I think I know who is the head chef.” Later: “He needs to be in jail… I like that guy.”
On International Issues:
Micah: “Actually I think China is better than America ’cause they look cool & their eyes go like this & that’s where everything comes from.”
Jonah: “Why is everything in this whole entire world made in China?” Micah: “Well, one time I saw a tambourine that was made in Pakistan.”
Finally just put on Colour and The Shape. Micah’s response: “Does that say POO FIGHTERS!?? I LOVE THIS!”
Micah, in the 4 star hotel & spa: “There’s no wifi… seriously?”
I am just so happy! This is just so great! WE ARE WATCHING TV IN A FOREIGN PLACE! – Jonah, in a hotel room in Shaumberg, IL.
MOM! WHAT IS THE SPELL THAT, UH, GETS AWAY A DECANTER? – Micah #movies
On Romance:
Micah, trying out his best lines on cute new girl, “Hey! Do you want to hear Einstein’s theory of relativity?!”
“Dad look at this! It’s so romantic!” Jeremiah, 5 – holding up a stuffed frog that is wearing socks and a spiderman hat.
Micah: “Dad, is ‘yurass’ a bad word? Trevor said it’s a different way to say butt.”
Jeremiah: “Dad. I have something to tell you. If you go clean up our playroom…” reaches into his wallet “I’ll give you a quarter.”
Jeremiah, after getting in trouble: “Dad, I’m sorry for being crazy. I offer you this…” holds out hand with .65 cents.
“So, if God made the king of our town cut down all the trees, everyone would die, right? He would be a stupid man.” – Jeremiah, 5
Jonah, referring to before I was born: “So back when you were just a DNA ball…”
Mom? You’re not taken by this crazy thing I’m saying at all. I can tell you’re a woman of SCIENCE. – Jeremiah
Jonah, running in completely out of breath: “Dad! Was pachycephalosaurus a meat eater or an herbivore?!”
Jonah: “Did it hurt Michael Jackson when the black went out of his skin?”
Family Relationships:
Micah, getting out of a shower: “I’m cold! I’m cold! I’m cold!” Me: “Don’t just stand there.” Jeremiah: “Yeah. Make a cabin or something.”
Mom, you’re not like other moms. You’re special. You have a HUGE MASSIVE spider on you and you’re not even freaking out! -Micah
Dad: “Hey boys, what do you guys want to get mom for mother’s day?” Jeremiah: “OH! A TUTU! Then she can take a dance class!”
On Pets:
Jonah: “We should train our rabbit to read catalogs. It would be awesome.”
Jeremiah: “You know what would be great? If bunnies could use spoons.”
Jonah, at Petco: “Hey, mom & dad. I was thinking we should really buy a turtle. Because I already named a turtle.”
On Gender Issues:
“Know why I don’t want to be a girl? Boys laugh at princess stuff. Also babies come out of the girl & sometimes there’s problems.” Jonah, 7
Jeremiah, dreamily: “…If I were a girl, my name would be Haley.”
Jonah:
Jonah: “I have a new technique to playing tag. Never take a shower, never take a bath, and no one will want to go near you.”
Jonah: “Why does Micah smile like this?! (puts his upper lip over his lower). He’s like a British person.”
“Together, our pride can never be beaten!” – Jonah, 7 to his twin brother about folding laundry.
Micah:
Micah: “Dad, how many words are on the planet?? Look that up.”
Micah: “You know, I need a new iPhone cause this version that I have is like 1.nothing.”
Micah: “You know, actually I had like 7 scoops yesterday. That’s what happens when you leave kids unattended with ice cream.”
Micah: “Dad! Did you know that most of the globe is water?” Me: “Yes! & most of the human body!” Micah: “Yeah. Water is really in right now.”
Micah: “Can we listen to music?” Me: “No, the speakers are blown. This car’s a piece of junk” Micah: “No, it’s a piece of transportation”
“This is the lowest form of entertainment I have ever experienced.” Micah, 7 in regards to his brother’s singing.
Jeremiah:
Jeremiah, laying on the couch eating pizza: “Man. Karate class is going to be SO good for me.”
Jeremiah, at dinner: “Well, when I sunk the potato, my neck just felt kinda sloppy… Well, you know what I mean.”
Jeremiah: “Dad! The curtains fell.” Me: “How?” Jeremiah: “I have no idea. They just fell… On purpose. Because I don’t like them.”
Jeremiah, holding up a bag of candy: “This one says… Reece’s… Cyclops? I know it says cyclops on here somewhere.”
Mom? Can I eat my metaphorical cheese? I’m talking about this candy that looks like cheese. Like a metaphor. Metaphor cheese. – Jeremiah
Jeremiah, carrying around his little point & shoot lego camera: “I am so going to get the proof of aliens!”
Jeremiah, while putting away laundry: “Well… you know what they say. If the big things are under, they don’t squeeze and squirt.”
Conversation between Jeremiah & Mom. Mom? What do alligators like? Meat, honey. Okay. I need a bunch of sausage and some bees RIGHT NOW.
Jeremiah: “Dad, there’s a little girl on tv who says she loves her hair! Why? You can’t drive it. You can’t feed it. You can’t bake with it”
Dad: “Jeremaih, why do you have your finger in my ear?!” Jeremiah: “Because I’m getting earwax to make a fairy ear candle.”
Dad: “What’s in your soup, Jeremiah?” Jeremiah: “Oh, sweets, carrots, peas, noodles, French toast… You know.”
“And her great great aunt was a traitor but she actually just distracted the bad guys with her delicious donuts.” Jeremiah, 5
“It was not me! It was the muffin! That muffin was controlling me!” Jeremiah, 5 after getting in trouble.
“My socks are fake swords. They go in your pockets. They’re cool!” – Jeremiah, 5
”Ninja spoon! Ninja spoon! All is crushed and all is doomed!” Jeremiah, 5 – dressed as spiderman & wielding soup spoons.
Recent Comments