June 11, 2011

• Navigation.

  

  Abandoned. That's what I've done to this blog... and lots of other things in my life lately. I'm reduced to a very simple formula - work, sleep, weekends with the kids to make up for five days of being away, dates with my husband to make up for five nights of being the kind of tired that renders you unconscious the moment your head hits the pillow. Anything outside this formula just doesn't work anymore. Writing? Playing music? Knitting? Making? Doing? It just takes away the precious little time I have to convince my kids that I'm not completely absent from their lives now. Even hanging out with friends, with people I love, leaves me feeling guilty. "I should be spending this time with my kids," I think to myself over and over and over.

  Don't get me wrong - I love my job. I love it even more now that we're deep into the summer rush. As exhausted as I am, I thrive off of having to run around all day. But it's been an adjustment - and not an easy one. In two more months, I'll have been here a year already. And it feels like I just started. The pace is so crazy. When you're a full time mama, you have moments you have to stop. Nursing, rocking babies to sleep, snuggling after a a tearful recovery from scraped knees and elbows... Children force you to stop. Stop what you're doing and hold me, stop what you're doing and read me a story, stop what you're doing and listen to me, look at this with me, stop, stop, stop. And it's so simple - the priorities are so clear. Of course I'll hold you - you won't be little very much longer, of course I'll read to you - soon you'll be able to read this yourself, of course I'll listen... soon you'll be a teenager and maybe you won't want to talk to me at all. When you're at work, there is no one to stop you. And I was used to that. Children are exhausting too, but they're also very restorative.

  Last night the boys wanted to show me their portfolios from art class. School is ending and they'd brought home all their projects from the year. It was total chaos. An entire of year of "Stop and let me show you this!" crammed into 15 minutes as I'm walking in the door after almost 12 hours of work and 2 hours of driving. They were fighting with each other for my attention, trying to show me everything all at once. I felt terrible. I haven't been here all year to see this. They were desperately trying to make sure each one got the most attention from me, that I would see each piece as quickly as possible. It was so unnatural. So weird. Eventually they all had to be sent to bed because they were fighting and yelling and unhappy.

  I haven't learned how to be a good working mom yet. I know it can be done - I have seen others do it. But I'm still learning. And I know the long commute is part of the problem - that has to change. We have to move out of here... but my children will hate me for doing that to them. They love it here. I can't seem to find the right path through this - I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. So i just get up every day, go to work and come home again, hoping the answer will come during one of those long drives.

  I don't mean to sound all depressed and such - it's not a terrible situation - just a transition I am trying to navigate. It's like when you become a new parent and everything just seems so crazy and out of control until you get the hang of things. Just a transition.

  At any rate, I've got lots of pictures to post which I will try to get to. I decided yesterday I am going to turn off my phone, focus on my kids, helping my husband get the house to rights, doing a couple things I never get to do (like blogging) and catching up on work so Monday doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks.

  Soon. I'll get it right soon.

  • 1:08 pm
  • 2 Comments